janet.

https://youtu.be/BTSd4vqnMwo

I Got Caught Stealing.



Monaco. I have been very deprived by my parents.

I got caught stealing once, when I was seven (sorta). 

I wanted a pack of Bubbalicious gum that day at the orange and brown Wal-Mart in Irmo, South Carolina, and I decided that I wouldn't take my mother's 'NO' for an answer.

And apparently Jane's Addiction felt the same way about pineapples.

I think "Been Caught Stealing" is one of the best music videos ever.  It's one of my favorites. It's a video that could be #1, if I were keeping some sort of order to this "blog" that somehow I've become slightly obsessed with.  None the less, it's a classic.  From dressing in drag to dance-off's to those plastic horses you can ride outside your local discount store... Jane's Addiction never made the 'five-finger discount' look so... AWESOME.

Thus, when I asked my mother to buy the pack of gum for me, I got denied. Soon into the temper tantrum I was throwing, I realized that my mother had ... 'walked right through the door'... the automatic glass doors to the parking lot!  As I shoved the gum into my pocket, it began to sink in that she left my shit-ass.  My mother left me at the old, crusty, orange and brown Wal-Mart. I bolted out of the store thinking she'd be waiting for me, just to witness her Oldsmobile stopped at the intersection, blinker on, and ready to make a right turn... leaving me, the gum, and my ego in the steamy, South Carolina heat.


To this day she claims that she really was not going to leave, but just "do a circle" around the parking lot to, "teach me a lesson."  Ummm, yea.

Asheville Mom-mobile.  Many are parked in front of Greenlife.

However, part of me doesn't blame her.  Part of me wants to give her a high-five and say, "Hell yea, Lady. Way to teach me," and the other part of me worries that raising a child in Asheville, North Carolina would not allow me to teach my child the lessons that my mother taught me.  Somehow, I don't see the Greenlife staff backing me on this one, but then again, I can see them totally fine with my future child and I shoving organic avocado's up our shirts, down our pants, and blaming it on Jane's Addiction.

A man called "Betty" v. Kevin Costner?

My bodyguard.

If I had to choose someone to protect my ass, like... 80's/ 90's, bodyguard style, it sure as shit wouldn't be Paul Simon.  Really... what would he do?  Break out his bongos, acoustic guitar, and sing," Bridge Over Troubled Water"?  No thanks.

And as far as Kevin Costner is concerned, I do admit to a full-on crush, circa... some Nicholas Sparks inspired movie, but not "The Bodyguard."  However, if Bobby Brown were my husband, it would be easily illustrated why my decision-making skills regarding male partnership and protection were so poor.  Smoking crack and having severe psychosis have that affect.

So, if faced with the choice of hiring someone to beat ass for MY life... I would choose Bullet-Tooth Tony. 
     



Caribbean Cool.

OOOOOOHH THAT SMELL.

The Christmas of 1992 I received the second most awesome "stocking-stuffer" of my life... second only to the Mace accessorized with a pink, Kate Spade-like, leather case I got about two years ago in my stocking. It was a stick of Caribbean Cool "Teen Spirit" deodorant. I'm unsure of Teen Spirit's current existence, but at the time I had been too nervous to bring up the topic of bad odor to my mother, much less my father. I didn't have any older siblings to pave the prepubescent, f-ed up, highway for me, so it was sort of a 'taboo' topic... B.O., periods, boobs, boys, etc.  I had no books or older sisters. So, what better way to break the ice other than stuffing my stocking with D.O. for my B.O. Although this may sound terribly embarrassing to most, I was actually really happy, and most of all, thankful that I didn't have to go through the embarrassment of anyone, other than myself, smelling me! 


However, the question plagued me, "How did my mom know who Nirvana was?" It was, after all, their brand, right? Between her ingenious idea of presenting me with my first right of adolescence via stocking and also knowing who Nirvana was, I was convinced that I had the most hip lady around as a mother. 
 
These days, I stick with Coco Butter scented Suave. Kurt Cobain is long dead and Dave Grohl just released a "rockumentary" chronicling the career of Foo Fighters. Teens have lost their spirit, and Caribbean Cool is totally discontinued. I looked it up. At least we have the brand's video to remember it by.

1st of tha Month.

So get the hell out of bed and celebrate the month of October.  Not only do I turn 30 this month, but here in the South we also celebrate something that I hold just as close as the day Julie Dinney pushed me into this brave new world... college football.  Tailgating, beer, fried chicken (Bojangles - we don't do that KFC shit down here), deviled eggs, dips galore, bourbon, bands, getting to your tailgating spot (which fans I know have taken out mortgages for i.e. a parking spot- seriously) hours before a game to eat, drink, and watch other college games, on a flat screen that someone hooked up to a dish that's hooked up to a generator... and in between go to a stadium with 85,000 people +, that's sold out, on a Saturday, with a high of 75 and a breeze... that is bliss. I truly believe that Heaven is a whole lot like the South in the Fall. 

80's Gamecock.

I've begun to wonder what the world is coming to though, as people have started to have weddings during football season?! I'm an only child and a girl, and I know that there is no way in this lifetime that my mother would allow me, much less would I choose, to get married (or have a due date) between the last weekend in August and the beginning of January.  It's just like the chances of me pulling for Clemson or LSU or any school in the ACC.  It's not done in my family (at least the one's I'll admit blood kin to).  It ain't gonna  happen.  No way.  No how.   Mr. Balloon Hands.

What?!

So, WAKE UP and GET UP! While I'm drinking my Bloody Mary and eating a Pig-in-the-Blanket next to Williams-Brice Stadium this morning, I'll think of Bone Thugs n Harmony and their "Carpe Diem-esque" mantra. Asheville to Columbia is worth it to see the COCKS give it to AUBURN...  war eagle my ass. That shit is so damn lame.

Big Cock.

Rat-tail, Melt-face.

#1. Yes. I am driving the bus to hell.
#2. There is no need for an explanation of why this video made my top 30.  There is no quirky story or justification for this video, just the title of this posting.  See #1.

Whats-a-happenin-hot-stuff?

Molly.

I don't know.  Something about this song... won't let me go.  Total one-hit-wonder by the band, "Sponge." No Pearl Jam, STP, Foo Fighters, Snoop legacy here.  Just a song that I saw on MTV's "Buzz Videos" the summer after 8th grade. It was off an album called, "Rotting Pinata."  I've never heard Sponge mentioned since, but on occasion I will hear an independent radio station play their song, "Molly (16 Candles Down the Drain)."  Many people believe that the lead singer had some sort of 'thing' for Molly Ringwald, ever-famous with 80's pop icons the world over.  I mean, it is pretty coincidental that the song title shares her name and is followed by a reference to one of her many, sappy, 80's movies.  Fast forward to 2011 and most kids (including some of the older ones too) only correlate her with STS9 shows, Bonnaroo, and other festivals of that sort.

Molly.

Either way, this song followed me throughout the summer of 1995, mostly at summer camp. We all rocked our Puma's, Jinco's (don't lie), and Yin-Yang pendants on hemp necklaces.  There were the guys wearing shirts of bands that none of us hardly knew and actually were probably dead or in rehab by that point.....
                                                                                        ...UH-OH... I feel word vomit coming on... f.


Case in Point.

 
*** I'd  like to take  this moment to give a 'shate-out' to that kid who always wore his beat-looking "Stairway to Heaven" t-shirt on a daily basis.  We knoooooow you went to the mall, purchased it at Spencer's, and took it home for your mom to wash and dry it on high heat, repetitively for 24 hours straight.  We get it!  You wanted to give us all the impression that you were by far the headiest, most learned, 13-year-old Led Head alive.  We get that you were front row for Page and Plant, at 3-years-old, rocking out that t-shirt (that was 10 sizes to big for you at the time), ripping baby hits of hash backstage using your 'Baby Snot Sucker' bulb, all whilst your saggy diaper drug along the ground.   Because of you, along with the three million other d-bags out there who have worn this shirt over the past 30 years, I now change the radio station if that song were to come on.  Led Zeppelin has plenty of other great songs out there. Trust me. Buy an album rather than tring to listen to that jacked up, single, cassette tape you've had for some time now. ***


Elaine and her Sponge dilemma.

Back to ... ummm... shared conversations at summer camp, in regards to us all buying the Sponge CD that summer amongst others, i.e. Filter, Pearl Jam, Coolio, Smashing Pumpkins, etc. In retrospect, I believe I listened to "Siamese Dream" that summer a bit more than "Rotting Pinata."  Ironically, I can't remember one video from Billy Corgan's said album, however I do remember some dude's video who named his band after an archaic, female contraceptive. Go figure.

                                         

 Molly.





D-O-DOUBLE-G.

Snoop and Martha mixing up some brownies.

I once was asked, "If you could hang out with any rapper for a day, who would it be?"  My answer was easy.  If Jay-Z is the best rapper alive, then Snoop has got to be the coolest rapper alive.  Who else could go on  The Martha Stewart Show, a day-time television slot mind you, stoned out of his mind, wearing sunglasses and make.... brownies.  Really?  He even encouraged Martha to mix in some of  that "green ingredient," and I don't think he was trying to be organic either.  If he can do that, morphing into a Doberman Pinscher has got to be a piece of ... cake?

Blowing it.

Hoon and Blind Melon.

On October 21, 1995, I celebrated my 14th birthday.  Ironically, on October 21, 1995, Shannon Hoon was found dead in his tour bus prior to a Blind Melon show in New Orleans.  He was 28. 

Like many rockers in the 90's, dying appeared to be somewhat of a trend, with the two most 'in vogue' ways to go being suicide and/or overdosing.  Shannon chose the later.  He, along with a gaggle of  rock star gluttons, like Kurt and Bradley, were pulling Seinfeld's before Seinfeld knew what "pulling a Seinfeld" meant. 

The first time I saw this video was on the ever-popular, "Channel One News," with a young Lisa Ling as anchor.  In high school, it was shown during the last period of the day, everyday, and I usually used these spare moments to finish my World Civ. homework from two days prior. 

However, on this day Lisa closed by introducing a new music video from Blind Melon's most recent album, "Soup."  The second I heard Hoon's distinctive voice, I gave up on completing my homework assignment and focused on the video, "Galaxie." To this day I'm sure many people will disagree with my choice, holding strong that "No Rain" was much better, but since this is MY blog, I'll go ahead and say that  Chunkie McChunkerson dressed in her bumble bee outfit was played-out a long time ago. "Galaxie" and the sorcerer boy are much cooler.  Boom-shock-a-locka, Bumble Bee Girl.  Go cut yourself, but stay away from the blow and shotguns.

Michael Stipe is 51 years old.

Yea.  I can't believe it either.  What does that make Kurt Loder and Tabitha Soren? 

Before his Shady-Aftermath.

Smokey and Craig.

I vividly remember my best friend Cristin and I anticipating the VHS release of the movie "Friday."  She was two years ahead of me, but our ages never really made a difference.  I'm sure we drove to Blockbuster in her beat-ass Cutlass Cierra, as we did many times throughout the mid to late 90's, smoking cigarettes and trying to rap 2 Live Crew and Dr. Dre songs.  Living in total oblivion, we had no clue that we were probably the whitest girls alive. Our families were upper-middle class, we hadn't kissed boys yet, and we listened to A LOT of Tori Amos. At the time I would have liked to think that we had some sort of edge and in retrospect maybe we did, but at the time all I felt outside of Cristin and my circle of friends was awkward, pasty, self-conscious, and very Caucasian.  That all seemed to go away when we were riding in her car or hanging out at the Waffle House.

Cristin and I at her wedding in 2008.

You could say that we became a bit obsessed with this movie, as did many people of adolescent age. When Mrs. Parker bent over to tend to her lawn, Craig's dad took an hour to use the bathroom, and Deebo rolled around on Red's little-ass bike, we LOVED it.  Everything we said was, "DAAAAAAAAAYUM!"or trying the fit the phrase, "You got knocked the FUCK OUT," into conversations that really didn't call for it.  I'm sure we looked very classy throughout this stint.  Underneath our foul-mouths and our Accutane treated faces, we really were the Southern belles that our mothers had intended us to be.  We just took a detour and couldn't be happier about our different route.

Cristin ended up getting the soundtrack after we saw the movie.  Compact Disc's were just becoming popular, and we had to listen to it in her room at first.  Eventually we figured out how to record a CD onto a cassette tape so we could play it in our cars. We'd shout out every word to songs by Cypress Hill, Rick James, and Dr. Dre.

The album also birthed a music video that would resemble life pre-911.  It featured Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg  hosting a party on a stolen plane with Big Worm and Smokey in the cockpit. All sorts of people were on this jumbo jet dancing their asses off and having a damn good time doing it.  The hook of "Keep their Heads Ringin" would forever be burned into my head as a result of watching it every afternoon on MTV.